We woke up late (and hungover), and just made it in time for the amazing breakfast at the hotel. Seeing all the hungover, and hurting faces was hilarious. After breakfast, we needed some time in the sun so we walked down to the beach and were confronted with our first proper view of the amazing sea. 

We were officially in paradise.

We spent the day on the beach, suntanning and swimming. It’s not a topless beach, per say, but this didn’t bother the topless old ladies who were tanned to a crisp, including on their saggy boobs. This beach was also a Speedo free-for-all. Prior to leaving, I was feeling quite self-conscious thanks to carrying some extra weight after breaking my foot aka emotional eating and lying on the couch for months. This was naaaat a problem amongst all the other people on that beach – just saying.

It was difficult to get used to the concept that we could safely leave our belongings on the beach while we swam, and Ross still wasn’t comfortable leaving our things alone. So, I was on my own in the amazing water. The water is extremely salty, so you stay buoyant and float with almost no effort. Every now and then the water stings the hell out of you, which is apparently sand mites. Delicious!

Once we had enough of a sunburn (whoops), we made our way back to the hotel and chilled at the hotel pool. We had a swim, and read our books, and then sat and chatted for ages.

That night, we made our way out to a much calmer Bangla Road. We had dinner in an air-conditioned restaurant – by the way, aircon is the only pre-requisite for restaurants when you’re in Thailand. I had some yummy sweet and sour prawns, and Ross had his first Thai green curry. It was here that I discovered that the green curry is the spiciest of all. I had always thought it was the mildest.

After dinner, we made our way to Suzy Wong’s bar for drinks. Buckets for 149 baht (R51), 7 shots of tequila for 100 baht (R34), and cocktails for 90 baht (R31) – these drinks were super cheap in Thai terms but NOT that cheap in South African terms. To all the people who told me Thailand is sooooo cheap. No, it isn’t. Not the alcohol. We had a couple drinks, played Jenga and Connect-Four and marveled at the confident Thai girls (I think) pole-dancing on every bar.

It was time for our first Ping Pong show. We went into a dingy club, and took our seats while girls pole-danced in front of us. Ross was so panicked, he couldn’t decide where to sit and changed seats about three times before settling on front row seats with the guys.

Eventually, the show started and a really normal looking girl walked out. It started with her pulling a long-ass piece of ribbon from there, it never seemed to end. She went off stage and came back, only to start pulling out razor blades on a string. Off she went again. Ross turned to me, disappointed and said, “You can’t even see her vagina.” Oh, but Ross needn’t be disappointed for too long because we then saw her vagina in all it’s glory as she smoked a cigarette from it. Nasty. Her next trick was with a live bird – I’ll spare you from the gory details, except at one stage, the bird fell off the stage and Ross picked it up to give it back to her. Poor birdie. I think it broke it’s wing. :( Then, Ross got involved even more and caught ping pongs straight from the source into his hands – luckily he had some tissues protecting his hands. He later reported that the ping pong balls were covered in a black gooey tar-like substance, and concluded it must be from all the vaginal smoking she does. It was pretty much just a gross experience, they dished out hand wipes at the end but I felt like I needed a damn shower. I felt traumatized. At the end of the show, everyone looked at eachother with pure shock on their faces.

We made our way back to Suzy’s for one more drink. Ross played a game with some of the Thai girls (I think), where you hammer nails into a big block of wood with the back of the hammer (the pointed part). I tried. I failed. Ross was decent at it but these girls were AMAZING. They had hulk-like strength.

We made our way back to our hotel, excited with what the next day would bring.

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