Last week, I made my first ever roast chicken. Yes, you read that right. For some reason, I always found the concept of roast chicken daunting. I also thought that it’s easy to stuff the whole thing up, and that you could easily end up with bird biltong, or alternatively, Salmonella poisoning. 

However, despite avoiding roasting Mother Hen for the last 28 years, I realized I was failing as a girlfriend, nay.. As a WOMAN, for never having made the dish. It was time to conquer my fear..

What You’ll Need

A chicken (if you hadn’t figured this out already, minus 10 points for you) – rinsed, de-feathered, disgusting organs removed

One lemon – boiled in water for a little while to remove bitterness, quartered

One onion, quartered

Butter – all the butter

Garlic – all the garlic

Thyme – all the thyme

Olive oil

Salt and Pepper

Spices – salt, pepper, chicken rub (a dub-dub)

Mustard – German variety (as if there is any other kind)

What You Need to Do

Talk lovingly to Mother Hen. Let her know that if she doesn’t resist you, then it won’t hurt.

Stuff the onion and lemon up her tuchas. Add some thyme, a knob of butter and about four garlic cloves to her tuchas, too.

It’s now time to massage that bird. Use olive oil as your massage oil, and rub her all over. Grind some salt and pepper (thereby covering your grinders in oil) over the skin, and massage it in – this is the exfoliation part of the massage. Once you’re happy with her oiled up skin, spread some delicious Mustard all over as if it’s a mud wrap.

Now, for the freaky part. Make like a plastic surgeon, and create a small incision in the skin near the decapitation site, smother your fingers with butter, and slowly slide your fingers underneath the skin, thereby stuffing butter under the skin. Chuck some thyme under the skin too.

It’s time to go Fifty Shades on your bird, and truss it. Aka: tie it up. Tuck the wings behind her back (tell her she’s under arrest),  and wrap the legs together at the ankle (oh my!). I used cotton that I use to ruin sew my clothes. I don’t own string (do you see how I win at this homemaker thing?). I’m sure dental floss would work too, but SOMEONE (Ross) refused to let me try.

Pop Mother Hen into a roasting pan (or into some kind of ovenproof dish, such as a baking dish, seeing as I don’t even own a roasting pan). Add a teensy bit of water to the bottom of the pan. Surround your chicken with fresh veggies and potatoes – added points if you make it look like you live on a farm and grew the veggies yourself.

To make yourself look extra fancy, pop a sprig or two of thyme on top of your bird.

Pop her into the fiery hell that is your oven at 200°C, covered in foil, and let her roast for an hour. Then, remove the foil and really let her feel the burn uncovered for about 30 minutes more. 

Serve, as if you are the director of a Jamie Oliver photo shoot, and bathe in the compliments from your loved ones. If you live alone, eat in front of the mirror and tell yourself how amazing you are. 

Voilà. 

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