Category: Nursing

Billy the Psycho

A certain ward that is not an official Psychiatric Ward has the reputation of keeping all the crazy patients in it. I had to work there for a month. On my first day, I was warned by a night duty nurse to ‘avoid the last cubicle’. Being the dumb blonde (and sucker for punishment) that I am, I decided to go straight to the last cubicle. In I walk and I find a patient standing on his bed (let’s call him Billy), ripping his neighbour’s file apart. The neighbour just sat there with a very slight but very noticeable pout.

So, I shout at Billy to sit down. He sits, looks at me and with a sly wink says, “Would you like to go out with me sometime?” I reversed out of that room so quick, you would think I was the one who invented the moon walk and taught it to Michael Jackson.

I then saw that I was delegated to do Medicine Round. Great, I would have to confront Billy and force pills down his throat. Hesitantly, I walk into the last cubicle and find him pissing on the walls, on his bed, on the drip stands – basically anything he could find. I stood with my jaw dropped open in absolute shock, but then I realized I had better shut my mouth before he saw it as a target. Luckily, because Billy has this ‘attraction’ to me, he obeys all my commands: stops peeing, gets into bed, swallows all his tablets.

Thereafter, the day moved along quite smoothly until I was standing at the Nursing Station (making a list of why I shouldn’t stay in nursing) when something caught my eye down at the end of the corridor..

It was Billy. Taking a shit.

Religious Songs by an Atheist

In one of the wards, the rule is “You come on duty, then you pray”. So, in I go to the Tea Room to get my prayer on, but considering the fact that I’m an atheist, I wasn’t all that comfortable doing so. I stood there respectfully with my head bowed. I couldn’t sing along either way considering they were singing in Zulu.

The Sister-in-Charge then asks me why I’m not singing. “I don’t know the words”, I reply. Then, she asked me to sing a song from my church. “I don’t attend church.” I could swear I heard a couple of shocked and horrified gasps.. There was silence for about five minutes until the Sister said, “We’re waiting.” I had to sing. I don’t know any church songs. The only songs I could think of that are remotely religious were Christmas Carols.

I broke out into Silent Night.